Being inside my head was the only safe place i knew growing up.
Despite my strength to weather the storm most of the time, I yearned for the safety of staying upstairs more than I realized.
I’ve always had ‘too much energy,’ and would get bullied by the other kids for:
Asking too many questions
Moving too much
Being too loud
It always felt like I was reacting to someone moderating me in some kind of way.
And instead of ever contradicting their suggestions, I would always comply.
That was in the real world.
In my head, I would think of how I really felt.
How much I hated that person for controlling me, and how sad I felt for never being enough just as I was.
Carrying this same habit through to adulthood has brought me to an interesting conclusion:
I LOVE being told what to do.
This has made (and continues to make) it easy for other people to distract themselves from their own life and control mine.
I’ve built a personality that practically begs for it.
It has become safest to exist in the world in a way that I don’t need to test for the first time.
I tested things for the first time myself so much growing up, I became tired of it.
I don’t have the energy or courage to weather the storms of criticism for doing anything different than others now.
I find it easier to just be quiet most of the time, staying under the radar.
This is pretty opposite to how I grew up: kicking and screaming most of the time - plenty of explosions, angry or otherwise.
I had too much energy to be socially acceptable, and I’ve decided to turn it in on myself.
Instead of being guided by my teachers and adults most of the time, now I’m an adult, which means they’re not there anymore.
A big part of me misses them. I want to be told what to do. I can’t stand any more criticism. I’ve taken it all.
Now, I spend all my time in my head, with myself. Even as I write this, I’m in the safest place of all to do that: my room.
It’s 6am, so I don’t have to deal with anyone else.
And later in the day, by the time that I do, I will be too tired to make up all these stories up there.
Tiring myself out through little sleep and lots of exercise is another great defense mechanism I have to avoid being the high-energy person that other people are not outwardly accepting of and instead try to bring down.
There are a couple great things that I’ve built from this life habit of spending so much energy upstairs:
I have a very strong mind, along with the confidence to be able to use it to solve any problem requiring a high degree of concentration.
Despite not letting it out into the real world yet, there are tons and tons of great models for my life that I’ve built that I can later expose.
After getting depressed and nearly killing myself from spending too much time up there, I can now relate to people with similar challenges in a real way that I could not fathom before.
I have an incredibly opportunity to live the next quarter-century of my life OUTSIDE my head as opposed to inside.
In short, the solution is to:
EXPOSE MY MIND
Despite thinking you’ll think I’m stupid and judge me, I can continue to write these articles, make videos and podcasts, and share them with you, the world. This is my opportunity to bridge the gap between the already constructed awesome kingdom up there and the real one everyone else hangs out in (earth).
The more I expose my own mind, the more you will yours. That’s my family, friends, coworkers - the more comfortable we can all feel with each other exposing the truth of our minds, the closer we will all be in Reality.
Living in my head has been a defense mechanism to avoid the pain that comes along with connecting with other people.
Because I’ve been so used to massive amounts of pain involved in this connection process from my childhood, I’m convinced it can’t be any other way. As an adult, I’ve found it easier to just avoid the chance of pain at all to protect myself.
Now, after experiencing the greater pain of isolation, and nearly getting destroyed by my own mind, it’s time to get honest about what’s really going on here:
It’s less painful to connect with other people than to isolate yourself.
Connection is the answer.
Honesty is the answer.
And in the great words of Tony Robbins:
Peace and love my beautiful friends,
Sam Gray, aka the YUNG author