I’ve been told that leading by example is more powerful than any words a leader can share with team.
I’ve also been told vulnerability is strength.
There’s a large part of me that wants to coat this story in preamble, analysis, and other distractions.
As hard as it is, I’ve decided the best thing for us both is to just tell the story.
Here are the facts. This is the story of what actually happened.
What follows is exactly where I am at right now in my mental health journey.
MAY 31, 2019
Last night, I had a binge.
We can get into the details of why I think it happened, what I’m going to do it about it, and how I am going to build up insurance against it happening again later.
For now, here are the facts.
On Thursdays I have a meeting planning YMAW that ends at 9pm in Burnaby. I went home immediately afterwards, avoiding my usual snickers on the way home because I had hit already hit my calorie goal for the day and wasn’t hungry.
I was in bed close to 9:30 reading. I lay in bed going back in forth between reading, and trying to fall asleep for about the next hour. Then I realized I wasn’t going to be able to fall asleep easily. Much like in 50 First Dates, this would be when I would tell Doug that we’re having a bad day.
And there we went:
Scene 1: Am I getting high?
I took my weed backpack and we went to the car. I went for a drive, asking myself, “are we going to get candy now or later?” I said later and eventually pulled over and started getting into things.
I started unpacking this new vaporizer I had that I hadn’t used before. I had some charlotte’s web weed (low THC - doesn’t get you high) and put it in the vaporizer. I puffed up a storm, taking every breath on it for a couple minutes. I asked myself if I would use some high THC weed with the vaporizer and decided against it.
I felt myself already getting high in some way (usually happens in a small way after smoking charlotte’s web, but this time was far more than usual since I consumed so much of the smoke) so I thought I would just ‘send it’ as the kids like to say these days. That looked like getting involved with some concentrates including this new one that I hadn’t had before. I put it in this attachment I had for my vape pen battery I hadn’t used before and hit a decent sized chunk.
Usually I measure ‘dabs’ in number of hits, but this was new since I was using a pen as opposed to a rig, so I decided to just finish the ‘bowl’ and puffed on the piece I put in until it was done.
Then I moved onto what would fuel me the rest of the night: a vape pen. Smooth, discreet, simple, and not a major high in and of itself, but enough to sustain the high I had already created. From here, it was sure we were definitely sending it (meaning getting food later on), but I decided to try to pretend I wasn’t and went inside to watch some good netflix.
Scene 2: The Food. Oh, the food.
Though I was inside, away from the gas station, the snacking had already begun. I was high, and I was gonna get fed. At first, I started to rationalize it in my head, “Even though I’ve hit my calorie goal of 2,400 today, tomorrows Friday, which is my 600 calories surplus day, so I’ll just have that day tonight.”
This started out as a banana, then some dark chocolate, and then the ice cream came out. I have a gallon of vanilla ice cream I brought downstairs to my bedroom and knawed away on it while I watched netflix.
Once I got down there, I ordered my pizza online through dominos (I would have called, but I left my phone outside my room in its safe, usual charging spot). It was amazing how it was put in the oven not even a minute after I ordered.
At this point, I estimated I ate about 3 cups of ice cream, which is about 850 calories. When the pizza came, I downed it all back to back to back. This was a surprise since I forgot to ask for ranch sauce. I was just getting started.
While I was absolutely mesmerized by Kanye West’s interview with David Letterman on Netflix, I knew I could stop at the pizza, but I wanted more, so I figured it was time to take a trip to the store. At the gas station I got the following:
170g jujubes - 520 calories
Reeses big cups with Reese pieces in them - 400 calories
Tim Horton’s Blueberry oat bar - 380 calories
Tim Horton’s Banana Chocolate Chip muffin - 500 calories
Klondike King Size Cone - 340 calories
Before I made my purchase, there was an interesting interaction a woman who was also getting some candy in front of me. She had likely come from the bar in the same complex as the gas station and was drunk. She kept dropped a quarter on the ground and I picked it up for her. Then she did it again. After I gave it back to her the second time, she reached to grab my hand as though to take me with her as she was leaving. She missed.
Scene 3: Jerking off
Once I got home, I had the ultimate mix going on:
Eating this plethora of great-tasting food
Looking at instagram on my phone
Occasionally swapping the netflix out for porn, and jerking off until I came
The jerking off had actually happened for the first time before the pizza came. Then again after the pizza came. Then when I got back from the gas station. Then I probably came two more times after that.
I watched porn on xnxx.com - my usual site. It was awesome. Well actually, it was a little bit fucked. There was this one that was the craziest thing I had ever seen in porn in my entire life actually. Basically it was the combination of the widest longest black dick I’ve ever seen, and then the woman sucking it managed to fit the entire thing in her throat, which usually doesn’t happen. She also took what looked like three cumshots, but later on I realized that was her puking. That was my limit. I switched videos and continued.
Scene 4: When do I go to bed?
From the second I got back from the store, I was thinking about how I forgot to get chips like I wanted to. Since that point (about 1am), I played with the idea in my head of going back to get them. At around 3am I was certain I would. Then at 4am when I didn’t, I decided it was about time to call it quits.
I should mention that the decision of whether or not to go back to get the chips was a painstaking one. I went back on forth about this for literally hours - changing my mind from being 100% back and forth many times over. I at least decided to make the most of what I had around, which was a banana, more chocolate, and peanut butter. And then more ice cream, I had about another three cups I estimated.
Also, I was pretty much only looking at instagram at this point. I hadn’t checked the thing in months really, and just loved the novelty and energy found in the explore page. I love looking at the models, and then looking at meme pages like barstool sports or fuckjerry. This eventually distracted me from The Office which was going on on the computer.
This whole time too, I had been smoking the vape pen occasionally. I eventually passed my limit where I would take even the smallest hit of the vape pen and fall into a cough fit. It felt the same as that one night I smoked like six cigarettes.
It’s funny how I always play this game with myself - when are you going to call it sam? Are you going to go back to the store?
Well I didn’t. The end.
Scene 5: The Morning After
I wake up and everything smells like shit. I open the blinds, the window and strip all the sheets off my bed. I put it all in the washer right away. Then I pack up all the garbage from the candy and put it in a bag. I put my clothes on to go to the gym, which is my usual morning routine except it’s this morning at 10am as opposed to the usual 7am every Monday, Wednesday, Friday since the start of the Quarter in April.
I take out the trash literally on my way to the gym. I go to the gym, mentally leaning on all the good days of nutrition I had in the last week and all the protein I consumed to hopefully make today the day that I would move up on my pull ups exercises - (Fridays are always my weakest day of the week). There was that cute girl who is sometimes there which made it easy to motivate myself. Despite feeling like shit, I make it through the workout, and then continued to play about an hour of squash. I knew I had a lot of energy still and needed to get rid of it.
Then I came home, did my usual routine of showering, shaving, brushing my teeth, and then meditating. I moved my sheets into the dryer, then left the house to go to the library to get some work done.
The day mostly ends there.