I've spent so much of my life looking outside of myself for answers.
Instead of looking in.
Grades, resume, points, goals, prestige, status.
I've idolized those with nice cars, girlfriends, jobs, riches, Instagrams.
I've judged those without much on the outside.
I've measured others by what I measured myself.
And I've become very unhappy because of it.
As I start to explore the pits of darkness within me. Spaces that no one can see. Spaces no one wants to see.
I start to understand how much I have been kidding myself.
I start to realize how fake the gold is on those watches. And how valuable the gold coins inside the darkness are.
It is the tears of progress that scare me the most. The movement that happens in the cheapest of places.
While the world is vast, it is finite.
Within yourself, lies infinity.
Without rationality, the treadmill seems like the best bet.
But I know the real truth is found inside, when I am standing still.
Now I don't know how to measure this path, since money, comments, friends, and other numbers don't apply.
I might pay attention to the minutes I meditate, or the tears I shed.
But then I realized the problem is in the problem.
And the measurement doesn't need to happen at all.
In fact, the measurement is exactly what led me astray in the first place.
Which is why I continue to travel inwards.
Where it hurts the most.
And feels the greatest.
I know I'll be alone. But I'm starting to get used to that now.
I've got to be focused. No one to distract me.
This was inspired by the movie: The Work, a movie about men's group therapy work. I've seen it four times.